5 Reasons Why a Sense of Achievement Is Difficult to Achieve on the Spiritual Path
I had known Brishti back in my Varanasi days. I am trying to recall something about her — any conversation we might have had, a cursory greeting exchanged while crossing each other in the corridor. What did she wear to the class? Was she a bright student? Nothing comes to my mind right now. She was a junior at university, possibly more than a couple of years junior to me. I don’t remember exactly.
Six years later, however, I am thinking of her because her selfies keep popping up on my Facebook timeline. She looks happy in them. I also know that she is getting married at the end of this month. Today there was a love filled, choreographed video where she and her husband-to-be looked into each other’s eyes and ran in slow motion around an ancient structure, in what looked like a manicured public park.
I paused the video for more than a moment trying to escape the incoming stream of thought.
They would have hired a videographer and a makeup artist. The videographers always insist on that morning light. The makeup would have taken a couple of hours pre-dawn. The husband-to-be would have lugged around the suitcase containing the change of costumes. Dogging the intruding glances of the morning walkers, she would have hid behind a tree with a navy blue colored bedsheet to change costumes. Or maybe in the public toilet of the park. Several retakes later they would have perfected the storyline and cinematography of their pre-wedding video. And all of this would have made her happy.
She looked ecstatic, blushing with new love, and that sense of achievement that you have in ticking milestones off your life’s coveted journal.
Unlike Brishti, it has been days for me since I have had a taste of achievement.
I felt nothing extra on the day I started my new job. Nor on the day I read out my essay to a rapt audience, who had then responded with rave reviews. Nor when the red hibiscus bloomed on the almost dead plant that I had so patiently revived. Nor when I travelled to three scenic hill stations in a span of two months. Nor when I experienced the most rejuvenating meditation retreat by the banks of the Ganges in Rishikesh. Nor even when I finally did my taxes, all by myself.
I continued scrolling, encountering too many faces that were basking in achievement. There were proposals and promotions, weddings and divorces, children’s monthly birthdays. A former colleague had bought a new home in Florida, USA. Someone whom I couldn’t remember where and why I had met, had announced an award. There were also my neighbors midnight birthday party pictures with warm noodles and coffee. And of course, there were the holiday pictures from the Maldives.
I find it hard to relate to these pictures. It has been some years that I have walked past the impulse to celebrate things. I figured out that If I could learn to celebrate nothing, I wouldn’t ever again need reasons.
But my logic has deceived me. For today I still see myself craving that spark in Brishti’s eyes. Why, I asked myself -
When you know to be just happy, becoming happier becomes a challenge
You know to be happy, just like that. This is a boon on an average day. And a bane on those days when you have done something significant. Because happiness is too abstract to perform on a metered performance scale. You cannot be happy, happier, happiest — you can just be happy. So when you are not happier than the everyday happiness on those ‘I have achieved something’ days, it feels insufficient.
You are content, yet not content. And in the end, confused.
You are forever confused between a sense of content and a sense of void
I have found myself often closing my eyes and asking myself — “am I happy?” In those moments a beautiful joy swells up inside. I see myself showered with all the love and bounty of the world — I have deep connections, enormous love, shelter, protection, all the amazing possibilities of a human life, a spiritual path, great education, no EMIs. I open my eyes, sit back in my chair, feeling that sense of expansion. And then with that contentment streaming through my nerves, I stare at the vacant wall in front — now what!
Now what?
What is the purpose of my life? Everything I am doing, everything everyone is doing seems meaningless. Ok, a few things — the sadhana, the devotion, the love does not feel meaningless. But, the rest? Am I wasting my hours toiling away at the wrong places?
There you go — back to square one!
You cannot NOT see the baggage that comes with everything — literally everything
The other day I was driving with Munna Uncle, our chauffeur for the last two decades. Upon spotting a newly launched SUV, I excitedly pointed out to him that this was the very model my friend had bought. Munna Uncle looked unimpressed. He shrugged his jacket laden shoulders from underneath the seat belt and said, “It takes 5000 rupees only to replace its side view mirrors!”
That is exactly me!
My mind works just like Munna Uncle’s. Every time a new homeowner gives me a tour of their mansion, my mind, as if on cue, spontaneously calculates the amount of effort and time that will go into dusting it every day.
When everyone sees success you calculate dusting hours instead, how will a big house ever bring a sense of achievement!
You see the impermanence
You are the matter-of-fact, dream bubble destroyer. You get a new thing — a promotion, new car, new position, move to a new city, get into a new relationship, win an award, and your mind is constantly reminding you that the honeymoon period will end.
Every event, every person, every success or failure looks like an ephemeral wave in the ocean that will soon complete its course. You know that the wave will perish and only the ocean will remain, just as it was before the wave arose. That rose will wilt, that dream project will soon be history.
You see the possibilities
You might have landed yourself that stellar new position at the dream job, but you are yet to be enlightened!
When your gaze is fixed upon the vast possibilities of this human life, how can you still be satiated with the little gains?
